So an a-ha moment? Well it surely isn't that I've realized how I am like my mom...that day will NEVER come! Not because I will never REALIZE I'm like my mom...but because I will never be like her!! Ever!! Unfortunately I never had that a-ha moment of what I wanted to be when I grow up. I still don't know. I'm waiting for that a-ha moment....if it could just go ahead and happen, that would be great. I don't know how many a-ha moments I've ever had in my life. But I guess one thing that has been on my mind a lot...that I've gotten some perspective on....and you could say I've had maybe a few a-ha moments about...is my relationship with my boyfriend.
Jenn pretty much outed the fact that we broke up to the whole class...thanks for that one Jenn! But no, it's a very good thing that we decided to take this break. You know, after being with someone for over a year, you start to realize some things. Or at least I did. I just realized that I wasn't me anymore, and I wasn't being fair to myself by letting him get away with a lot of things that he did. I love my boyfriend more than anything and my a-ha moment was kind of when I realized that despite this set-back, we will be ok. We will get through this and it will make us stronger. I hate telling people that we're on a break because everybody's response is "yeah that means y'all broke up. a break means that he's hooking up with other girls, but still wants to know that you're there just in case." Well that's not how it is. And I hate it when people try to tell me it is...because I think I know my own situation a little better than you do. Ya know? Like who are you to judge my relationship? But anyways...things just were not good anymore. I wasn't happy at all. And it's because I never spoke up for myself. I never told him when things bothered me, and we kept so much stuff locked up. And that's not like us at all. For the past year, he's been my best friend...we told each other everything. I don't know if it was the distance between us-him going to school 4 1/2 hours away-or just that we had never really experienced anything else...just each other. I think there was a lot of curiosity there...the mere fact that there were so many people we didn't know. So needless to say, things were not good. And we both knew it, we just didn't want to admit it. Even though things weren't good, I still loved him and nothing would change that.
So for fall break I headed up to Sewanee, TN. I promised myself that before I left to come back home, I would sit down and have a talk with him, because I could not go on being that unhappy. It didn't look like it was going to happen because it was the last night I was there and we still hadn't talked. But after a few parties and a lot of drinks later (me, not him) we ended up in his room, talking. Eventually, through tears, questions, confessions, and tons of emotions, we decided the best thing to do would be to go on a break...mostly for him, so he could take some time to mature, and to find himself, and his feelings. It was so bittersweet. Bitter because this is the boy I love and I knew how much it would hurt to be apart. Sweet because I knew deep down that things could not get better until we took this step. I set the rules. I didn't want to talk until the holidays and at that point he would be home and we would go on a date and figure things out then. I thought it would be too hard to talk to him knowing we weren't exactly together.
So I came home. I wasn't expecting to talk to him for at least a month. But the next day I had a voicemail from him. Then I got on facebook and had a message from him. And I won't go into too much detail (I'm not sure how thrilled he would be that I'm sharing all this with the world), but the basis of what I was hearing from him was that once he realized he lost me, he knew how much he loved me. And at that point I knew everything would be ok. Things would be good again and we would get back together. It's still hard to not talk to him every day like we used to, but we talk at least once a week...just to make sure we know what's going on in each other's lives. I can't wait until he comes home in two weeks for Thanksgiving. I miss him a lot. But I just keep telling myself, this was good. We needed this, and things will be ok because of this. Somewhere I heard this phrase: "If you love someone set them free, if they comes back it was meant to be." And I truely believe that...you know, everything happens for a reason.
5 comments:
I'm glad that you proved all the negative people wrong!
I feel bad about giving like one sentence responses, but it just seems fitting.
That is so great that you recognized that you were unhappy and were able to tell your boyfriend about it. I used to be a real push over and in my last relationship (way before Sam) I let the guy walk all over me and I didnt even say anything to him. It finally took us breaking up for me to realize that i didnt deserve to be treated that way. I think thatit is because of my experience with my ex-boyfriend, that Sam and I have such an open and honest relationship. i think this break that ya'll are taking will do the same thing.
The fact that ya'll were able to talk about your problems and actually understand each other shows that ya'll will definitely be okay. Going through this will make ya'll so much stronger because you will have worked through something so hard together.
I think it's a good thing to take breaks sometimes. Especially when you're young (sorry, I know you knew I had to say that). Really, though, it's important to avail yourself of LIFE before tying yourself down. I've always thought that I didn't really grow up until I lived on my own and didn't have a relationship. Something about being (sort of) alone in the world can give you a perspective on who you really are. Make the most of it.
I totally understand where you're coming from with people trying to tell you about your relationship and about needing to take a break. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four years. And we have had our share of breaks. Sometimes you have to find yourself before you can be any good to anybody else. It's not at bad thing, just a learning experience.
Something I've learned is that "relationships" are more or less retarded. There's no certain way to connect to a person, it's not hogging them or thinking about them all the time or feeling super excited every time you see them. After a two year relationship gone awry I'm definitely never going to just attach to somebody at every point possible ever again. Fuck marriage. (I'm bitter) If you feel like hanging out with the person then do it! Why commit without establishing those deep connections first? This mindset is probably why I have a girl or three really mad at me right now.
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