Last Blog!!

The time has finally come. That's right, it's my last blog. I bet everyone is glad that these blogs are over. But come to think about it, I actually enjoyed the whole blog thing....and I bet as much as everyone complained about it, they liked it too. I found the blogs a way for me to release some feelings and share things that I would normally not. This is the best class I've ever had and Wendy is the best teacher I ever had. I have never liked writing. That was my least favorite part of English class. But somehow Wendy made it fun. I actually liked getting up at 9 to go to my earliest class, and even though we had a lot of work, I never had a problem finishing it. I'm really sad that this class is over. I've become really good friends with almost everyone in the class. I'll miss going to class every Tuesday and Thursday and just chatting with everyone for a while. My favorite thing was how Wendy made us feel so comfortable and relatable to her. She almost inspired me to want to be an English major...almost. I just feel really lucky that I ended up in this class. I have about 7 new best friends. I hope we all end up in another class together some day. But I know we won't have as good of a teacher. Wendy better throw some parties and invite us...or else I'll be sad. What are we all going to do when we don't have Phillip to make fun of anymore? Just kidding Phillip...we NEVER made fun of you! Anyways...I don't really have anything else to say. I'm about to go eat at El Porton because it's El Porton day and I'm starving. So I'll see you guys around!

writer strike

So apparently there's this writer strike going on in Hollywood. It sucks. If they don't fix this, eventually our shows are going to stop. If all the writers stop writing, the shows will stop. Then the actors will be out of work. And not to mention our favorite shows will cease to exist!! I mean last night Private Practice didn't come on. And I heard a rumor that tonight Grey's Anatomy is going to be a repeat! It better not be a repeat tonight or I'm going to be pissed! I mean last week was supposed to be part one of a two-part show. If there's no second part tonight, then we won't know what happened!!!! I can't stand for this. I mean these people deserve to be paid right? I really don't know why they are on strike. I'm assuming it's because they aren't being paid enough. But seriously, I don't really care why they are on strike as long as they get over it so I don't miss any of my favorite shows. Desperate Housewives is apparently written through December, but what happens after that? I don't know what will happen, but nothing good can come of this. Grey's Anatomy is my favorite show. It can't just end. What am I going to do? I mean maybe it's sad that I rely on television so much...but you have to admit...you're scared too! What will happen to television as we know it if these writers don't go back to work? So I guess we'll see if Grey's Anatomy comes on tonight...if it doesn't, I will be furious!

STILL?

I talked to Daniel and Meg today after class and it really just got me thinking. It's something I've thought about before, and everytime I think about it, it STILL makes me mad. It started when I was telling them something that happened last Wednesday. Last Wednesday I had a party. One of my really close friends was there, I'm not going to say his real name, so I'll call him Jake...you'll see why. They party was going good, everyone was having fun. Daniel and his best friend (who is also my friend, and happens to be gay too) came. Now Jake is very prejudice and I knew this, I just have always chosen to ignore it. He's one of those people that is always going to think what they want no matter what you say, so I just ignore him and never try to change his mind when he says prejudice comments. Well he had a problem with Daniel and his friend being there because they are gay. I'm not even going to mention the obscene comment that Jake said when they arrived, because it's just so uncalled for and completely appalling that people still say things like that. Well I was in the kitchen with Daniel and Jake and some other people when Jake starting quizing Daniel. He first asked him if he went to church, in which Daniel replied 'no'...which Jake then said "well that explains it"...At that point I just told Jake to stop talking. Because that comment was totally unnecessary and I was embarrassed that he was saying this in front of Daniel. At some point he also mentioned that Daniel and his friend were going to hell. That did it for me. It was totally uncalled for. I told Jake to get out. If he was going to be rude to my friends, which in turn is disrespecting me, I didn't need him there. I told him to leave. He didn't budge. I started yelling. Just FYI, I don't yell at people like I yelled at him. I'm not an angry person, I do not scream at people (except my parents occasionally), especially not my friends...which he was supposed to be. As I became more enraged, he just stood there kind of grinning, like it was amusing to him how angry I was. I told him it wasn't funny and I wasn't laughing and he needed to get out. Still, he stood there as if he were deaf. I grabbed the drink out of his hand and threw it. Everyone at the party was silent. They were all watching. My brother was there and started to realize that I was serious. He knew this was a big deal because he knows I don't yell at people like that. Again, I told him to leave. He said he wasn't leaving because his ride wasn't leaving. I told him I didn't care how long his ride stayed, but if they didn't want to leave, then he could go sit on the front lawn for all I cared. At that point I was so furious that my brother pulled him out of the room to talk to him and everyone else tried to calm me down.

As I told them the story, Daniel and Meg were shocked. Daniel was there, but he wasn't sure exactly what had happened...so I was recapping him. It's just so astounding that people still think that way. Hasn't our world progressed past this? My favorite part of the whole thing (and when I say favorite...I'm being facisous) was when Jake tried to quote the bible for me. He said "do you want me to show you the scripture where it says gay people are condemned to hell?" At that I asked him if he wanted me to show him the scripture where you aren't supposed to have premarital sex...something he had done. Or the part where you aren't supposed to drink, which he was doing at that very moment. Apparently only certain scriptures in the bible are important. Afterwards I got to thinking about it. Jake tried to call me for days after the party and I never answered. Finally he sent me a message on facebook and I wrote him a response. I asked him if he forgot to read the part of the bible where no one has the right to judge except for God. Or maybe he missed the part about no sin is greater than another sin....which means if they are going to hell, then he is going to hell for his sins too because they are just as great as theirs. I told him maybe next time he should get all the facts straight before he decided to quote the bible. I just find it completely ridiculous that someone could say those things and act that way towards someone they don't even know. I hate ignorance. And his comments were completely ignorant. I'm not perfect, but I'm also not going around preaching to people and being totally hypocrytical. I will never make him realize how wrong he was. Because he thinks he is totally right. He had also made a racist remark because Daniel's friend was black. I was completely baffelled by that because Jake's best friend, who was at the party, is black.

That gets me into what I meant to focus on. After telling her what happened, Meg mentioned that she had never experienced so much racism until she moved to Memphis. Meg is from Franklin, Tennessee, a little country town where you would think everyone is a red-neck and racist. You certainly wouldn't think they are less racist up there than here, in Memphis, which is suposed to be a melting pot of cultures. Memphis is a very racist city, which is hard to fathom because it's overwhelmingly black. She pointed out how segregated we are. We talked about dating black people (because her boyfriend is black too) and the kind of comments we get. She told me the things she's heard black girls say about her dating a black guy. It just seems so ridiculous. Memphis was the center for the Civil Rights Movement, and we're still so prejudice. It's just so hard to understand. Why do people hate people based on their skin color or their sexual orientation? Just because I'm not gay doesn't mean I can't be friends with someone who is. Jake said at the party that he didn't want them to touch him. That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I like guys, but that doesn't mean I'm going to touch every one of them. I just don't understand. How can people think these ignorant things? Why does our world STILL hate? Isn't the golden rule in the Bible to 'love thy neighbor'? Maybe Jake missed that part too. Is it ever going to get better? Is our world ever going to progress? I think of something my grandmother said to me when she found out I had a black boyfriend. She said "I don't understand what you see in those BLACK boys." He's the same person no matter his skin color. As long as he's a good person, why does it matter? I find ignorance such a hard thing to deal with. It was so hard for me to yell at Jake, my good friend. I just felt so disrespected and embarrassed.

Don't be that person. Don't be that person who makes an ignorant comment and looks like an ass in front of everyone. If you have stupid opinions, don't express them. You are entitled to your own opinion, no matter how ignorant or prejudice it may be. But you do not have a right to judge people. Unless God himself handed you his job for the day, then you have no right to tell anyone that they are going to hell. I hope I made you open your eyes. And I hope this gives someone the courage to stand up to prejudice-ism(?) It seems nothing has changed. People STILL have this hatred. And there will always be that person. I just don't understand it.

Wendy's reading

Well tonight I went to hear Wendy read her work at Otherland's. My roommate and I were starving so we stopped first at my work to eat. We were afraid we wouldn't make it to Otherland's by 6 (which is when Wendy said it started), so we put our food in a to go box and left. On the way I made a sharp turn and the boxes went flying, spilling french fries all over my car! So much for dinner later. We got there and Wendy told me that it didn't really start until 6:30, meaning we didn't really have to rush to get there, which means I never would have spilled my food...but that's ok. I forgive you Wendy. My roommate, Angie, and I were waiting with Navid, Sarah, and Jen when we heard Wendy introduce her husband to someone. We were in the next room over so I was curious to see her husband and wandered over. The only man I saw in the room with them was this old man and I was like uhhh....is this her husband? Not that I would've cared if it was, but I was relieved when her real husband walked in and he was her age. I mean that's fine if she had married an old man....just a little awkward. Turned out, the man was an old family friend...sorry for my confusion. Finally it was time for Wendy to start reading. She seemed a little nervous at first, but she quickly got into her work and seemed more comfortable. The title of her piece was PDA...as in public displays of affection. Personally I don't like public displays of affection, but I think only because I don't get them. I think I'm really just jealous when I see PDA. I always say something like "get a room", but really I'm thinking, "I wish someone kissed me like that in public." Her reading might have been awkward for some and she jumped right into referencing her husband's "cock" but I thought it was cool that she could just talk about that and it not be weird to her. I like her courage to speak what's on her mind and not care if someone thinks it's too much info. I think that's why people think things like that are too much info...because no one speaks of them in public. If everyone talked about their husband's cock, maybe it would be more accepted. But that's not what I'm trying to get at here. Her story seemed to have 3 seperate stories in one. At first I was confused, but she tied it all in together by the end. It was so cute when Wendy spoke of how everyone tells her that she and her husband have the perfect marriage. When she read that line I looked at her husband and he was beaming. It was so cute. It does seem that they are the perfect couple. I long to have that some day. It wasn't a very long reading, but it was really good. I love Wendy's honesty. I don't know if this was an excerpt from the novel she is writing, but when it's published I'll be sure to run out and buy a copy. And I'll read it. And I don't read unless required to do so....so Wendy you should feel honored. Just let me know when it comes out. It was great to see Wendy finally read her work, considering she's read so much of ours. I thoroughly enjoyed it. (And I'm not just saying that so she'll give me a good grade....although I wouldn't oppose to that.)

exsquisite corpse?

I was in the hospital waiting room for five hours. I was waiting for my sister to have her baby. It had been a long day and I was starting to halucinate. All I could do was sit and watch the hands on the clock, waiting for the news of a birth. I had almost dozed off when all of a sudden a blue boy ran up to the ugly clock! Yes, a blue boy! Why was he blue, you ask? Well this boy had also been sitting in the waiting room, playing quietly with his toys. I think his mother was in surgery. Well he was sucking on a lollipop when he looked out the window and saw an amazing bicycle anthropomorphize into a pretty tree. The boy had never seen anything like this before and went into a state of shock, thus choking on his lollipop, which in turn caused him to turn blue.

and this is as far as i got because wendy didn't give us enough minutes!

Thanksgiving Break

So we're back from break. It didn't seem long enough did it? It was a mixed emotion break for me. It was fun...but at the same time it wasn't. Last time I wrote about waiting for Corbin to show up; well he didn't come that night but he came the next night. And as soon as he got up to my room in Richardson Towers, the stupid fire alarm went off! I was like are you kidding me!!! But now I'm kind of glad it did, because it caused my roommate and me and him to go out to dinner together. My roommate doesn't really like him, just because she's a good friend and she's trying to watch out for me...it's not because she doesn't like HIM....she just doesn't like him as my boyfriend. But since we had to go out to eat together, she got to meet him and spend a little time together and realized he's not as terrible as he seems. Well when we got back, we hung out for a little while and then went over to our friends house. Things were perfect the whole night. I hadn't seem my boyfriend in 5 weeks, and things were kind of difficult since we're on a break, but Saturday night was perfect. Well he went back home and then came back Tuesday. I hung out with him Tuesday night at his house and it was great again! I was thinking, wow this break was just what we needed! Thursday I went over to his house for Thanksgiving dinner because my parents were out of town. I hung out with his dad for a while because he was cooking dinner and Corbin and everyone else was getting ready. When Corbin came down he whispered to me "Em, have you ever had black people food for Thanksgiving?" I was like no! haha...it was different that's for sure. They had turkey, ham, macaroni and cheese, stuffing, potato salad, cranberry sauce, and collard greens. I got turkey and macaroni and cheese and stuffing. I had never had stuffing before, but I felt bad because everyone else had their plates piled high and I only had two things....because I didn't really like the rest....so I got stuffing, and it was actually really good! I was a little disappointed though because there were no rolls. I am definitely a bread girl. My grandmother makes homemade potato rolls every year and I eat about 30...so when they didn't have ANY bread, I was like WHAT?!?! Haha...but it was good. And I made a cheesecake for them since they invited me over and damn, I make a mean cheesecake. No lie. It was good. So anyways...after that I hung out with Corbin again and things just weren't as perfect as they had been the days before, so it was kind of disappointing. I think the mistake we made was hanging out so much, because we said we would be on a break until Christmas and we weren't really supposed to talk or see each other before then, so we kind of cheated. But you know, there aren't really defined rules when you're "on a break." It's difficult. But we talked Saturday night/Sunday morning until 6:30 am...just about everything...and I guess I'll just wait until Christmas break to see how things go. So I'm glad we got that break, and I'm already waiting for Christmas break to be here! I guess I'm just tired of school!

here's my paper guys...give me feedback

Reality vs. Illusion

I had a hard time choosing at least three essays in which I would analyze to try to find a common theme. There seemed to be nothing in common with any of the couple dozen essays I had to choose from. However, looking beyond the surface I found a theme running throughout “The Fourth of July” by Audre Lorde, “The Rake” by David Mamet, and “Under the Influence” by Scott Russell Sanders. Just by reading the essays I didn’t see similarities between a story about a young black girl in the 1940s going on vacation with her family, a story about a man describing awful childhood experiences within his dysfunctional family, and a story about a boy dealing with an alcoholic father. But looking beyond the surface of each essay, I realized that these three authors’ stories did relate to each other. The essays all have an underlying theme of reality versus illusion. In Audre Lorde’s case, reality versus illusion was in the form of equality. She lived in a place where equality was preached daily, but in fact came to find out that was not necessarily the way things really were. In the stories by Mamet and Sanders, the illusion was that of a perfect family, whereas the reality was not so perfect. I believe everything is a matter of reality versus illusion. These three stories show that through their words and symbolism.

In “The Fourth of July,” Audre Lorde mentions numerous times how her parents ignored racism. If her parents didn’t talk about racism, then they would not be affected by the injustice. Her parents supported the illusion of equality when really there was no such equality for people of their race. When riding on the train to Washington, D.C., Lorde asked her mother if she could eat in the dining car. Instead of telling her the truth, that blacks were not allowed in the dining cars in 1947, her mother simply stated that “dining car food always cost too much money and besides, you never could tell whose hands had been playing all over that food, nor where those same hands had been just before” (Lorde 568). This example of her parents’ willingness to ignore the situation is similar to that in “Under the Influence”.

Throughout his whole life, Scott Russell Sanders struggled with how to deal with his alcoholic father. Never once, though, did he or his mother or brother or sister, mention to anyone outside their family of his father’s ailment. The family chose to hide the problem, in a way ignoring the mere existence of a problem. To the outside, Sander’s family seemed perfectly normal. But that was an illusion. The reality was that his family dealt with a monster every day, and never told anyone. This was a secret, as was racism to Audre Lorde’s parents.

When David Mamet referred to the house he grew up in as the “Model Home” for the development they lived in, it gave a new meaning to the phrase. I find the fact that they lived in the model home very ironic. As a matter of fact, his family was far from being any type of model family. I think a lot of people get their ideas of “model” families from what they see on television. This was the kind of family that Mamet seemed to long
for. Sander’s family was similar in this way too. He certainly did not have the model family that people see on television. He and Mamet were the same in that way. Sanders even said how he thought he could make his father better by “doing all my chores, earning A’s in school, winning baseball games, fixing the broken washer and the burst pipes, bringing in money to fill his empty wallet” (Sanders 734). Those were the things that Sanders viewed as being perfect. Things that the perfect son would do. But those were not realistic. All of those things gave the illusion of being perfect, but in fact were not.

I referred to television as being a culprit of making illusions. Showing how things “should” be. Sanders also makes references to television. He goes on about how “it is a mostly humorous lexicon, as the lore that deals with drunks-in jokes and cartoons, in plays, films, and television skits-is largely comic” (Sanders 734). Obviously to someone who deals with alcoholism, the matter is not funny. He also says at one point that on television, beer promises to deliver the essence of life. Of course that isn’t quite the case. That’s just another illusion.

In “The Rake”, Mamet describes how when his family would go out, all of them were in “good spirits”. This shows how they put on a front for everyone else. Much like Sanders did. Sanders mentioned how he grieved behind a “phony smile”. All of these examples show these illusions that their families lived with their entire lives. Never once did any of them let the realities of their household escape past the front door. Something that stood out to me in “Under the Influence” was when Sanders said “In the United States alone, some ten or fifteen million people share this ailment, and behind the doors they slam in fury or disgrace, countless other children tremble” (Sanders 734). Millions of people deal with this disease every day, but none of them admit it. Every one of them hides behind the walls of their house, away from the outside world. Maybe if people came out and spoke more freely of these things, more people would get help.

Going back to “The Fourth of July” by Audre Lorde, the illusion exemplified in this essay is again, equality. How though was the country equal when black people could not even eat ice cream in the same place as whites? The reality was that the country was not equal at all. Here, in the nation’s capital, were all the statues that were supposed to stand for freedom and equality. But instead, racism was the reality. Until the end of her family’s visit, Lorde did not know of her parents’ secret.

In “The Rake”, Mamet described a scene in which his sister overhears her grandfather, stepfather, and mother, who seem to be having some sort of altercation. Turns out that her grandfather just simply can not tell her mother that he loves her, which she is upset over. Just three simple words could have solved the situation, but her grandfather remains silent. Much like Mamet’s grandfather, Lorde’s parents do the same thing. “My mother and father believed that they could best protect their children from the realities of race in American and the fact of American racism by never giving them name, much less discussing their nature” (Lorde 568). Her parents refused to talk about racism and the injustices of America. If only they had discussed racism and the facts with their children, maybe Lorde would not have been so shocked or angry. People seem to hide from their problems more than they are willing to face them. Hitting them straight on though seems more logical. No long would their problems be hidden. I think the reasoning behind this is because most people are too afraid of reality. To most, illusions are easier to deal with than real life.

I could not believe that Audre Lorde had never realized the racism around her. She was only a young girl, but still, how does one not notice the signs, the stares, the comments, as I am sure they got plenty. The same goes for Scott Russell Sanders. He mentioned that he had never heard the word alcoholism. He had convinced himself that his father suffered from demons. He hoped that someone his father could receive an exorcism or something of the sort to free the demons from his body. Unlike Lorde though, Sanders knew something was wrong, he just didn’t know what the name was. Lorde on the other hand was completely oblivious to anything that might be wrong. She lived the illusion that her parents set up for her.

Symbolism was a large part of each of these three essays. In “The Rake” one of the first symbols set forth was the kitchen table. Mamet went on to describe how the table to them “was associated in our minds with the notion of blood” (Mamet 69). Much like the table brought bad feelings to Mamet and his sister, the Liberty Bell and Lincoln Memorial did the same for Audre Lorde. These monuments were supposed to be representative of freedom and equality. But in fact, the D.A.R. refused to let Marian Anderson sing at the Lincoln Memorial because she was black. Lorde’s parents did not stop at the Liberty Bell on the way to Washington D.C. because they knew it stood for false pretenses. Symbols are just illusions.

So many things seem to be something that they really are not. Everyone has illusions of themselves that no one but they know the reality to. Most people find that hiding behind illusions is easier than being truthful or exposing reality. To many, illusions are security blankets that keep them in their comfort zone. The difference between reality and illusion is what people see. “The Fourth of July”, “The Rake”, and “Under the Influence” all show the same theme of reality versus illusion. The authors show the theme through their symbolism and use of memories.

Boredom at midnight

ok so i am so f'ing bored right now. I've been sitting on my bed/ walking around my room for like 4 hours now. Like, I told myself that I would stay home tonight and all day tomorrow and tomorrow night so I could write my synthesis essay. My goal is to be done by Monday night because my boyfriend comes home Tuesday night and so I want to be done by then and not have to worry about it. Well today while my roommate and Meg and I were eating at El Porton, as we do every Friday, my boyfriend texted me and said he was coming in town tonight! They were coming so they can go to the Ole Miss game tomorrow and then go back to school before coming home again for Thanksgiving. Well, that just got me excited and unfocused. So basically I've been sitting around all night focusing on him coming over to see me. First I went tanning, then I took a shower, I cleaned our room, then we went to get dessert, came back and took a few shots of rum to keep us energized, then I sat on facebook for a while, then I took out my essay and pretended like I was going to get some actual work done. I didn't. I re-read one of the essays. Then I got up again and just walked around and got online and looked at random things. I seriously could have written half my paper by now, but I just can't focus. I've been waiting for my boyfriend to call me and tell me he was coming over. Well I finally got tired of waiting and called him....so now I'm just waiting for him to come over. I'll be pretty disappointed if he doesn't make it. I mean not because I won't get to see him, because I'll see him Tuesday, but just because I wasted my entire night waiting for him, and then if he doesn't show....I will have accomplished nothing. I just got done making daquiris for my roommate and myself. That's how bored I am! I'm promising myself right now though that I'm working on my paper ALL DAY tomorrow! I have to finish it! If you see me out and about at all tomorrow, hit me in the face and tell me to go write my paper! Anyways....this has kept me occupied for about 6 minutes. BOREDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok I'll stop being obnoxious now....Later!

9/11

This morning in my American Government class we watched a movie about 9/11. It was an interview with a columnist from the New York Times. Umm...his name was Thomas something. Anyways, he spent a long time travelling to different Islam countries asking them about 9/11. It was a new perspective on 9/11 that most Americans don't see. Many of the people in the countries he visited were happy about what happened to us on 9/11. He talked to some students and asked them what they thought the purpose of 9/11 was. The overall response seemed to be that they didn't like how the Americans looked down on them and killed innocent people in their country like it was nothing; but when it came to killing innocent people in our country it was unfathomable. It was interesting when he spoke to one girl in particular. She said that it's funny how now anytime the word 'muslim' is mentioned in the U.S. now, it is associated with terrorists and killers, and Americans think every muslim is a terrorist. His repsonse to her comment was that it was a fact. He said it wasn't 19 Norweigians that attacked us; if it was, we would be wary of Norweigians. I thought that was interesting. The documentary didn't really have a plot or anything, it was just another view of 9/11 from the point of the other side. It was sad some of the things that the people thought about America...things that they had seen on the internet or read in their biased newspapers. Some people actually thought that Americans had bombed NYC on 9/11! It was just crazy to see this side of the issue. Most of us just think about our side.

my likes/don't likes

My likes: /My dislikes:
love /hypocracy
food/ drama
friendship/ rules/restrictions
loyalty/ parents
clothes /drugs
talking/ confrontation
uniqueness/ decisions
simplicity /school(work)
pink /judgement
money/ racism
work/ closedmindedness
freedom/ 'your' instead of 'you're'
coffee/ frat boys
traditions/ shyness
cleaning/ change
my birthday/ periods
music being under 21
the south/ stupidity
morals/ fakeness
fate/ hopelessness
memphis/ bad tippers
sleep/ high school
tv/ reading
procrastination

4A is like 9B:
Loyalty is like judgement because the really go hand in hand. Loyalty is an important quality to have. It is sticking by someone no matter what. It's being there for a person because they are important to you, even if you might not necessarily believe all their ideals. Judgement is a discusting habit that everyone is guilty of. It's looking at someone and thinking things about them that you have no right to. It's placing an opinion on someone else's life or situation, that you may know nothing about. Judgement can also be good. It is important to know when to use good judgement. When you compare the two, they are both qualities of one's personality. To be loyal, you have to have good judgement. good judgement can stop you from making mistakes or putting yourself in situations where you could be unloyal.

Interpretations of column A:
If you sum up all the items in column A, they are overall happy things. A lot of them are somewhat materialistic, but for the most part, they simply describe a laid-back, happy attitude. If using the list to describe the person, you can see that the list is that of someone who is outgoing, confident, and independant.

5B causes 3B:
Drugs cause rules/restrictions. This one is pretty much a no brainer. Obviously when it comes to illegal drugs, there has to be rules and restrictions. If we let everyone walk around, go to work and school, etc. while being on cocaine or meth, we would have some problems on our hands. Drugs can be a serious problem that affect everyone. Not only do they put the user in danger for their health, it risks the lives of those around them. You can not predict the actions of someone on drugs. Therefore, it is crucial that there are rules and restrictions against drugs.

"a-ha!"

So an a-ha moment? Well it surely isn't that I've realized how I am like my mom...that day will NEVER come! Not because I will never REALIZE I'm like my mom...but because I will never be like her!! Ever!! Unfortunately I never had that a-ha moment of what I wanted to be when I grow up. I still don't know. I'm waiting for that a-ha moment....if it could just go ahead and happen, that would be great. I don't know how many a-ha moments I've ever had in my life. But I guess one thing that has been on my mind a lot...that I've gotten some perspective on....and you could say I've had maybe a few a-ha moments about...is my relationship with my boyfriend.

Jenn pretty much outed the fact that we broke up to the whole class...thanks for that one Jenn! But no, it's a very good thing that we decided to take this break. You know, after being with someone for over a year, you start to realize some things. Or at least I did. I just realized that I wasn't me anymore, and I wasn't being fair to myself by letting him get away with a lot of things that he did. I love my boyfriend more than anything and my a-ha moment was kind of when I realized that despite this set-back, we will be ok. We will get through this and it will make us stronger. I hate telling people that we're on a break because everybody's response is "yeah that means y'all broke up. a break means that he's hooking up with other girls, but still wants to know that you're there just in case." Well that's not how it is. And I hate it when people try to tell me it is...because I think I know my own situation a little better than you do. Ya know? Like who are you to judge my relationship? But anyways...things just were not good anymore. I wasn't happy at all. And it's because I never spoke up for myself. I never told him when things bothered me, and we kept so much stuff locked up. And that's not like us at all. For the past year, he's been my best friend...we told each other everything. I don't know if it was the distance between us-him going to school 4 1/2 hours away-or just that we had never really experienced anything else...just each other. I think there was a lot of curiosity there...the mere fact that there were so many people we didn't know. So needless to say, things were not good. And we both knew it, we just didn't want to admit it. Even though things weren't good, I still loved him and nothing would change that.

So for fall break I headed up to Sewanee, TN. I promised myself that before I left to come back home, I would sit down and have a talk with him, because I could not go on being that unhappy. It didn't look like it was going to happen because it was the last night I was there and we still hadn't talked. But after a few parties and a lot of drinks later (me, not him) we ended up in his room, talking. Eventually, through tears, questions, confessions, and tons of emotions, we decided the best thing to do would be to go on a break...mostly for him, so he could take some time to mature, and to find himself, and his feelings. It was so bittersweet. Bitter because this is the boy I love and I knew how much it would hurt to be apart. Sweet because I knew deep down that things could not get better until we took this step. I set the rules. I didn't want to talk until the holidays and at that point he would be home and we would go on a date and figure things out then. I thought it would be too hard to talk to him knowing we weren't exactly together.

So I came home. I wasn't expecting to talk to him for at least a month. But the next day I had a voicemail from him. Then I got on facebook and had a message from him. And I won't go into too much detail (I'm not sure how thrilled he would be that I'm sharing all this with the world), but the basis of what I was hearing from him was that once he realized he lost me, he knew how much he loved me. And at that point I knew everything would be ok. Things would be good again and we would get back together. It's still hard to not talk to him every day like we used to, but we talk at least once a week...just to make sure we know what's going on in each other's lives. I can't wait until he comes home in two weeks for Thanksgiving. I miss him a lot. But I just keep telling myself, this was good. We needed this, and things will be ok because of this. Somewhere I heard this phrase: "If you love someone set them free, if they comes back it was meant to be." And I truely believe that...you know, everything happens for a reason.

The House of Judgement

I was flipping through the tv channels the other day when I caught a glimpse of something that made me want to stop and watch. Surprisingly, it was Dr. Phil. I've never been one to watch Dr. Phil. If there was any one of those talk shows that I was going to watch it would be Oprah....or Ellen...but certainly not Dr. Phil. But what I saw infuriated me so much, that I couldn't bring myself to change the channel. I'm not sure what the exact topic for the show was, but it had something to do with judgemental people.

The episode focused on 6 people in the audience who had been brought on to share their completely judgemental views on life. The first one I saw, the one that made me stop and watch, was a chauvinistic man. He went on and on about how woman are worthless and the only thing they are good for is having babies...but then they don't even raise them right...and spending men's money. He went on to say that women can not hold positions of power or leadership, and commented that if there was ever a woman president we would pretty much be screwed becaue women can't make decisions. He said that women shouldn't even be given the right to vote! I was so mad! How are there people in this world that even think like this? And it's those kind of people that no matter what you say to them, they will never change their view.

Next was a woman who was "morally righteous." She walked around the streets holding a bible and preaching to people about all the ways they would go to hell. She would just walk up to people and tell them they needed to change their lives or they would go to hell...she didn't know them, for all she knew, she could be talking to a priest. But she wasn't preaching the word of the bible...that's just what she claimed to be doing...she was preaching her way of life. She walked up to a girl on the street who had piercings on her face and told her that God didn't like that and if she didn't repent she was going to hell. Well damn! Looks like I'm going to hell then too! She said that you would go to hell if you had sex before marriage and to that Dr.Phil asked if she was married and she said no, then he asked if she had ever had sex and her reply was "Well..." These people are complete hypocrites! They refuse to listen to what anyone else has to say...they are right no matter what, even if what they are saying contradicts itself.

Then they had a man who hated society. He said that 90% of people were morons and that they were just sheep following the crowd. I would say he was the least of the bad. He didn't try to push his views on anyone else, he kept it to himself. But still...the fact that anyone could believe that is dumb. Then there was a woman who "hates ugly people." She said if you're ugly, you might as well not talk to her. She walks down the streets and just make comments about anyone that passes her. There was an overweight woman pushes her child in a stroller down the street, and when the woman saw that, she said she should turn around and beat that woman's ass. The best part about it thought is that the woman who said all this was not attractive in the least! She had crooked, yellow teeth, her hair was greasy, and she looked like white trash.

The one that made me the most mad (and you'll probably understand why) was a woman who was extrememly racist. The woman was racist against black people, but SHE was black!! She said that black people are just whores, prostitutes, gang bangers, they have no education, and on and on...She went on to say that she would never let her children play with black kids. She married a white man. But whenever Dr. Phil asked her questions, she would get tripped up, because she was so hypocritical, that she didn't have anything to say back without making herself look stupid. I mean if you think all these things about black people, is it ok for people to think that about you? And she was like...no, she's not a prostitute or a whore. But you're black....so you must be a prostitute right? I mean seriously. I was getting so pissed off

The last of the 6 I missed because she cam on before I flipped to that channel, but apparently she was the opposite of the chauvinistic man-she hated men. At the end of the show Dr. Phil brought all 6 up to the stage and announced what his "therapy" was going to be. With people whose views are this extreme though, they normally don't care what anyone says, because they think they're right no matter what. But Dr. Phil announced that he was going to put all of them in the "Dr. Phil house." They would all have to live with each other, with their views and opinions. He them went on to assign roommates. The chauvinist man and the woman who hates men will room together. The man who hates society and people who are materialistic will room with the woman who hates ugly people. And the racist and morally righteous woman will be roomies. So this should be interesting. It starts Monday...and they're going to cover what happens in the "house of judgement" as they call it. I hope I get a chance to watch it. It just makes me so mad to know that there are actually people in this world that think like that. And they aren't the only 6. There must be some serious psycological things going on with these people. They are so unsecure with themselves, that they have to make it out to be other peoples' problems. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens with these people. To see if there's any hope at all.

Stupid Fire Alarm!

Ok so I'm kind of still mad right now from this morning when the fire alarm in Richardson Towers went off at 10 am. I was still in bed and wasn't planning on getting up for at least another hour when all of a sudden I hear the most annoying noise in the world and see a bright light flashing in my room. I woke up and realized it was the fire alarm. I didn't even have any pants on. Just underwear and a tank top. Well I was in no hurry. I got some shorts out of my drawer, put a sweatshirt on because I figured it would be chilly, put my shoes on, then I grabbed my purse and put my phone in it and got my keys out and left with my roommate. I made sure to lock my door because I was told that people sometimes pull the fire alarm and then go room to room and see who left their door unlocked and then steal stuff. So I always make sure to lock the door. So we go outside and we're standing out there for more than 30 minutes. I was really getting pissed off. I didn't get enough sleep, I had to pee, and I was hungry. It's just so dumb. There's not a fire, someone just pulled the alarm. I know they have to pretend like it's a real fire, but everyone knows there was no fire. Even the firemen probably get tired of coming to towers for our fire alarms. I bet every time they get the call they are thinking "Oh great, another 'fire' at Richardson Towers." It's just so annoying. What thrill do people get from pulling a fire alarm? Sometimes I guess it goes off because people are dumb and they burn things in their microwaves. But seriously people, this is ridiculous! Goh, I'm just so furious about it. I was getting so mad just standing outside for 30 minutes when I could be sleeping. And of course I couldn't go back to sleep when I got back up here. I was already awake by then. I'm just so mad. That's that.

Hairspray

Last night my mom and I went to see Hairspray at the Orpheum. I don't really prefer to hang out with my mom, but every now and then we go out and it's kind of nice. We just don't normally get along very well, so I try to avoid seeing her, but last night was fun. First we went to eat dinner at Big Foot Lodge. I don't know if you've ver been there, but they are famous for their 5 pound burger. Only one person has ever eaten it and they were a professional eater. The rules are that you have to finish the entire burger with all the dressings in 60 minutes. Well while we were there, someone ordered it. I walked over to see exactly how big it was and that thing was ridiculous! It looked like a cake! The bun was bigger than my head. How anyone could ever eat that is beyond me. I used to work at Cheeburger Cheeburger and we were famous for our one pound burger. Well I ate that one time and I just barely finished it....I can't imagine trying to eat a 5 pound burger!!! crazy!! I don't know if he finished it, we left before then.

After we ate dinner we headed down to the orpheum to see Hairspray. I love going to the Orpheum. It's so fancy and fun. It's like you're in New York going to Broadway. In fact, the Orpheum is a lot nicer than a lot of theatres on Broadway...so it's really fun. I saw the movie Hairspray when it came out in the summer, so I was super excited to come see the show. If you've never seen the show you're truly missing out. It's set in 1962 in Baltimore. The main character is Tracy Turnblad, an overweight teen whose dream is to be on the Corny Collins Show, which is about the equivalent to what our American Bandstand was. After she gets on the show, she makes it her mission to make "Negro day" everyday. This of course was in a time when many things were segregated. It's a great show because it covers the issues of segregation and racism but in a lighter, more fun tone. It's not heavy or sad...just lighthearted fun. Through the course of the show Tracy falls in love with the main male dancer Link Larken. Tracy's best friend Penny also falls in love, but with Seaweed, a black guy. Of course Penny is my favorite character for that. It's so funny because Penny is very sheltered...her mother doesn't let her do anything and certainly wouldn't approve of her dating a black boy. It's also refreshing becausse it was during a time when that definitely wouldn't be accepted, but they don't care, they are in love. There's one song in the show called without love and Penny sings a line saying "In my ivory tower life was just a hostess snack, But now I've tasted chocolate and I'm never going back."

It's a great show. The actors were great. The part of Tracy was actually played by the understudy last night and she was great. I can't wait for Rent to come in a couple weeks. That will be my next Orpheum outing. My mom won't be here though....anybody want to go?

Choir Tour

Man I'm exhausted! I just got back from our choir tour to Jackson. We left yesterday morning at 6:30, had three concerts yesterday, then woke up today at 7 and had two more concerts, then we drove back. I don't think I've ever been so tired of singing! My calves are killing me! I've been wearing heels while standing for pretty much the entire past 36 hours. My right arm feels like when you go to the gym for the first time in like a year....it's really sore from holding up our music folders while singing. I know that sounds super pathetic right? We can't even hold a folder. But seriously a thick, choir folder, with about 10 pieces of long choral music, and holding it up in the air for a good 12 hours or so...yeah it hurts. Gosh, the pain us singers go through! Yeah I know...I'm a baby. But it was so much fun. As tired as we were, I really enjoyed going to the different high schools and seeing the reactions we got from the kids that we sang for. We sing this one gospel song and that's everyone's favorite. As soon as we bust out that song, everyone is clapping. I love it. It's my favorite too....I wish I had one of those huge gospelly voices. Anyways....I just had singing on the brain, since I just got back from singing and all. IF anybody's bored next Sunday, the 11th, we have our fall concert at Cathedral of Immaculate Conception at 4:00. So come on out if you don't have anything else to do, or if you just really love choral music! Theres a good gospel song in it for you....it's worth it!

Round Two-creative essay

ok I think this is the only one we're supposed to put on here. This is the latest story I rewrote. I stemmed from Shari's essay which was based on Monique's essay about Cancer. Shari's story was very similar to Monique's sticking with the same family member-the mother-having cancer. I tried to switch it up a little and left the topic of cancer, but flipped the viewpoint a little going from a child looking on a parent with cancer, to my story, a parent looking on a child with cancer. so here it is:

The doctors told us she wouldn’t even last a year. But we refused to believe it. She was only four. How could it be that this precious little angel could have leukemia? Ava was the happiest four-year-old in the world. Not a care in the world. Her smile could light up a room in a split second. She was my baby. And she was a fighter.

My husband and I had been trying to have a baby for a long time. And after two miscarriages, it finally happened. It was a tough pregnancy. Ava was born premature and with many health problems that go along with it. But she survived. She never once gave up. Even as a baby, I could tell that she as a fighter. As she got bigger, she just got more beautiful. Everyone that came in contact with her left with the biggest smile because when Ava smiled, everyone smiled. She was so full of life and energy…almost too much energy. I was always chasing her around the house when my husband was at work. When I was with her I felt like I was young again too.

It was almost two years ago when I received a phone call. On the line was Ava’s dance teacher.

“Yes, ok I’ll be right there,” I said.

Her teacher told me Ava had become very dizzy during class and she was worried about her. Ava never stopped. She loved to dance. It was her favorite thing to do. If there was music playing, Ava was dancing to it. It wasn’t like Ava to get tired and have to sit out. So I rushed her to the hospital. After hours of tests, the doctors came to speak to my husband and me.

“It’s leukemia,” the doctor said. I froze. It was as if the entire world had stopped at that one moment. I didn’t hear or see anything around me. All I could do was picture my sweet, innocent little girl losing her beautiful, coco brown hair. I yelled at the doctor. “What do you mean leukemia? She’s four years old! She doesn’t have leukemia. You read the tests wrong!” My husband held me back and told me to listen. As the doctor explained Ava’s condition I felt the tears coming. He left the room and I sat with my husband and cried for what seemed like hours. The thought of losing my precious girl was unbearable.

We left and took Ava home. The doctors told us that her condition was so far along that there wasn’t much they could do. They told us the best thing to do was let her stay home and live life the best she could. They did give her a few medications to try to give her a little more time. But that’s it. I just couldn’t fathom how this could be possible. With all the medications and advancements there were in this day and age all they could come up with was some stupid pills to give her maybe an extra month or two? I was furious. But I wouldn’t let that hinder me from spending this time with my daughter.

My husband took a leave from work and we moved in with his parents so we could call spend these last few months together. I remember the day she died like it was yesterday. I fell asleep in Ava’s bed with her the night before after reading her favorite book to her. I woke up and looked into her lifeless face and realized it was over. She had been strong, but the cancer prevailed. This evil disease stole my baby from me like a kidnapper would yank a child at a supermarket. I will never forget that day.

A parent is not supposed to bury their child. But I did. And I will never forget her. She was only four, but Ava left a huge impact on every life she came in contact with. Now I know she’s looking down on us from a better place, and she’s smiling. Her little sister just turned a year old and already asks questions about her older sister. She never met her, but she’s so proud of her. I think God blessed me with this child to help me heal. I will always have two daughters. One of them is just watching over me, instead of the other way around.

Seriously? Colbert?

Ok so does anyone takes this whole Colbert for President thing seriously? It's ridiculous. He's pretty much just making a mochery out of the whole thing. Does he really think he's going to win? No...he doesn't. He said he wasn't in it for the win, but for the run. So what's the point. Why would he run and waste all that time and money, when he knows he's not going to win? Plus there's the whole controversy of how he's paying for it (Doritos?) and whether it's ok for Comedy Central to back one candidate. It's just so stupid really. It reminds me of when Arnold Scwatzen...however you spell it won governor of California. But he actually won. Which is crazy...but I guess when you have midgets and old movie stars running against each other, there's not much choice. The Presidency however, is a different story. Everyone else running is a legit candidate. All being in some position of political power...all having served a political office before. What's Colbert done? He's made people laugh on his fake talk show. Big Deal. Maybe he's watched Man of the Year a few too many times. You know, the movie where Robin Williams is a comedian on a talk show and runs for president and wins through a glitch in the voting system. Maybe Colbert is hoping for a glitch. I don't know but I think It's a waste of time and money and a waste of our attention. We should be focusing on the real candidates and getting familiar with their policies so we can vote for the right candidate in 2008...instead of being concerned whether Steven Colbert will get around the FEC laws about funding.

re: credit card drama

I was reading Daniel's entry about credit card drama and it inspired me to write. There are many negative things about credit cards...many of which Daniel described. And I think it is especially difficult for students our age because it's like instant money when you don't have it. But ou don't think about having to put the money back. So many students end up in debt. Which is a really hard thing to get out of. But there is another side to credit cards. Yes they have a positive side. Credit cards help you build up credit, which you will need one day when you are trying to buy a house or applying for a loan, or when you need a new car. You have to have good credit. But if you've never had a credit card, you don't have any credit: good or bad. I've tried applying for cards at stores like Express and Victoria's Secret...you know to get the discounts. But I've always been turned down because I didn't have any credit at all. So sometimes it's important to have a credit card, but only if you are responsible. If you can pay your bills off in time, you will build good credit for yourself. But if you know you're very irresponsible and not very prganized, and you now you won't pay it on time, well then no, credit cards probably aren't for you. But sometime you have to grow up and be responsible.

Joyce Maynard

When I found out we were required to go to one of the River City Writer Series events, I was not super excited. I'm not a big reader, or writer. I never enojyed doing either thing. So having to read a bunch of essays and go listen to the author talk about then was not on my top priority of things to do. It was on Wednesday night too so I would be giving up TWO of my favorite shows. But I went, because I had to. I arrived there with Meg and saw eveyone from class and we all just hung out and snacked. There was a lot of cheese. Thats pretty much it. Just cheese and really sugary punch. Finally we went in to listen to Joyce Maynard.

The three essays I read of hers were actually interesting. I never found my mind wandering...which is a good sign for me. When we were listening to her tell about her life and what inspired her to write I was amazed. The things that this woman had accomplished in 53 years of life were amazing to me! You name it, she did it. Then she read an excerpt from her memoir. It was funny because we all knew about her relationship with J.D. Salinger. It was kind of a taboo thing because Salinger was a recluse and no one knew anything about him except that she dated him. And we were told not to ask about it. But the main thing Joyce talked about the entire time was Salinger! It was so interesting. He was a man that wrote such an important book in American culture (Catcher in the Rye) and he turned out to be a callous, bitter man. It was just very interesting to hear.

My favorite thing about listening to Joyce was her talk about honesty. Honesty in your wrting and how important it is. She talked about how up until her last memoir, she was not honest in her writing. She didn't feel like her readers could handle it. So she left out many important things that were happenening to her. I know what she means. I've often edited thingsto leave out personal things I may have included. But it's important to be honest or else you lose yourself. I keep this journal. And I don't write in it every day, just whenever I feel upset or like I need someone to talk to and no one's there. I write it down. And that's where I'm most honest. Because no one else has to see it, just me. But even still, sometimes the hardest person to be honest with is yourself. I find that happening a lot. It's hard. But it makes you feel a lot better once you've said it. It's like a weight lifted of your shoulders.

I was also glad when we got to go see Maynard again during class he next day. She was so inspiring. She made me want to be a writer! ME...the person who hates to read, hates to write. But I loved it...I might even go see the other authors...even though I don't have to!

*$%^#@!#%^!

I was just reading the article that is posted on our blog's homepage about cussing and it got me thinking. I always think about it though. About why cussing is bad. Like who said that these were bad words? Why do they offend people? They're just words. I cuss all the time and I don't see anything wrong with it. It's just another way to express yourself and how you are feeling. But some people get so upset about it. Movies get R ratings just because they have the word 'fuck' in them. But why? Did someone hundreds of years ago just make a list and say "the words shit, fuck, damn, etc....will be taboo. It will be bad if you say them" ? What makes them bad? The only thing I don't think is a good thing to say is GD....you know using the Lord's name in vain. But if damn wasn't a bad word, then it wouldn't really be using the Lord's name in vain would it? I don't get it. I have to monitor what I say around certain people because I wouldn't want to offend anyone. But if they weren't "bad" words, then you wouldn't have to worry who you say them around. It's such a stupid concept to me. I think it's just one of those things that your parents told you was bad so you just don't do it. I think if I had kids I wouldn't get mad at them if they cussed, I would just tell them they had to be careful about who they said it around. Because if you said that to a teacher at school, you would probably get suspended. That's so dumb. You don't get in trouble really for saying 'crap'. Who 'crap' isn't a bad word, but 'shit' is? They mean the same thing don't they? I just don't get it. And I think it will always be like this. Which is a shame. You should be able to express yourself however you want, right?

Procrastination

I've been procrastinating all weekend. I have all this english homework to do and I've had since Thursday to do it. But I haven't started until now. And the only reason I'm starting now is because I know I have to work tonight and tomorrow night so there's no other time for me to do it. But why do we procrastinate? I will do anything I can find to do just to put off the important things that I know I need to get done. Like I'll wash dishes-something I hate to do, I'll do my laundry, make my bed, find anything that could possibly be done, just to avoid doing my homework. Why is that? Is there something in our brains that makes us do it? Or is it just for the sole fact that we are dreading our homework. Who knows?

I'm glad we only have to write three blogs a week now because it makes it easier for me not to procrastinate that. Knowing that I only have three makes me less stressed about all the homework I have. Hopefully I won't procrastinate that anymore. But I probably will. I actually find comfort in procrastinating. It's like I know I'd be relieved if I was just completely done with my homework, but it's kind of like something I've always done, so it comforts me. Is anyone else like that? Do you LIKE to procrastinate? I do. I don't think I'll ever change. I'll always be a chronic procrastinator.

Remember when...

So today was kind of a trip down memory lane. I hung out with my ex-boyfriend from like 8th grade for the first time in like 2 years. We've always been really good friends, we just never have time to hang out. It's so funny to talk about things that happened that long ago. I didn't realize how much I had changed since then. I feel like 8th grade was just yesterday but then again it seems so long ago. In 8th grade you're so care-free and just having fun and now it's like you're doing real shit and actually having a life. Which some times is a good thing, but sometimes you wish it was just 8th grade again. I was so naive and innocent back then, but now things are so complicated...it's hard to be innocent. But it's fun to escape, if only for a day, back to a time when your biggest worry was if that guy was going to hold your hand at the movies. lol...it seems like so long ago. there's a little bit of that 8th grader in all of us....it's fun to remember it every now and then.

Hedda what?

So I just got back from seeing the production of Hedda Gabler at our school's theatre. I went because my roommate was required to go for her theatre class and she didn't want to go alone. If you've been thinking about going, let me save you a trip. Don't. It was the most boring two and a half hours of my life. Yes that's right-two and a half hours! What play is two and a half hours that isn't a musical? I was counting the minutes until it was over. It was gruesome

It was so weird and confusing. I have no idea what the point of the play was. I hate things that seem to never have a point. And that's what this was. It had a story, I guess, but not really a plot. There didn't seem to be any purpose for anything that was happening. It didn't seem realistic at all. The main character was a black woman who was married to a prominant white man in the 1950's...which doesn't seem realistic in itself. And she was a bitch. A crazy bitch. And kind of a whore.

I wanted to leave during intermission but my roommate made me stay. I missed Grey's Anatomy for that stupid play! My favorite show of all time and now I have to watch it online tomorrow. Anyways, just take my word for it...this play was awful.

Hay

When reading this story there are many images that come to mind. However, one of them was not hay. He mentioned hay a few times but it wasn't something that stuck out to me particularly. But when I think of hay, a lot of things come to my mind.

When I was little, we lived in Florida for about five years and my grandparentshave always lived there so we visit quite a bit. I don't know how familiar anyone is with Florida plants, but one plant very common in Florida, that isn't seen much here, is Spanish moss. Now I know, what does this have to do with hay? Well whenever I saw Spanish moss when I was little, I called it hay. I knew what it was, for my mother corrected me everytime I called it hay, but I didn't care. I ignored her. I didn't see a lot of hay, so to me it was hay.

Hay doesn't look anything like Spanish moss. Hay is brash and piney. It's yellow and often seen in bales. Spanish moss on the other hand is stringy and grey. It's mostly found in the trees of Florida. When I think of hay, I think of something fun, associated with hay-rides and campfires. Spanish moss isn't associated with anything. But to me, it's my hay. To this day, when visiting my grandparents, we'll pass a tree and my mom will say "Look, hay!"

Blog War

So I was walking with Navid, Meg, and Daniel on the way back from class today when we got to talking about what we're doing for fall break. I mentioned that Friday I'm going to see Kanye West in Nashville and that started it.

I'm sure everyone has heard about the Kanye/50 Cent rivalry. It all started when Kanye was in an interview and when asked if he thought of 50 Cent as his competition he said not really, he thought of Justin Timberlake as more of a competition. If you think of it that's about right. I think of Kanye West as more of a pop rapper....I wouldn't say he's just rap, which is what I think of 50 Cent. So I can see where Justin Timberlake fits in to Kanye West's category more than 50 Cent. Upon hearing this, 50 Cent got all arrogant and claimed he would stop making records if Kanye West's album sold more than his. Well Kanye's album doubled 50 Cent's in the first week. So I guess we won't be hearing much from 50 Cent anymore will we?

Well Meg and Daniel were totally on 50 Cent's side and I was like are you kidding me? Kanye West is clearly a better artist. 50 Cent is like a bitch rapper. He's not all big and bad. I mean he sings about dancing in a club on your birthday. Take a sample of their songs:

You can find me in the club,bottle full of bub, look mami i got the X if you into taken drugs, im in there having sex i aint into maken love, so come give me a hug, if you're into gettin' rubbed
-50 Cent's "In Da Club"

I mean really? That's some powerful text right there...not. I love rap. And yes most of it is degrading and offensive, but at least some of it is clever. I don't think you could say that of 50 Cent.

God show me the way because the devil's trying to break me down (Jesus walks with me) The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now. (Jesus walks) And I don't think there's nothing I can do now to right my wrongs (Jesus walks with me) I wanna talk to God but I'm afraid because we ain't spoke in so long (I want Jesus).....So here go my single dawg radio needs this They said you can rap anything except for Jesus That means guns, sex, lies, videotape But if I talk bout God my record won't get played Huh?
-Kanye West's "Jesus Walks"

Tell me that's not content. Clearly that sends a better message than 50 Cent's meaningless words. I don't know how anyone can be proud to say they like 50 Cent more than Kanye West.

Anyways, I can't wait to see him Friday. And in my book he will ALWAYS rule over 50 Cent.

The Table

I think the first scene sets the tone for the rest of the essay. The way Mamet describes the table in the nook with the shattered glass-it lets you know what his family suffered through. Mostly what he and his sister suffered through.

It describes the way the stepfather breaks the table and how they know that somehow it is their fault. So in a way everything that happens in the story is their fault. The blood that is associated with the table repeats throughout the story. Every time the table is mentioned, it is associated with something negative.

Mamet used these images to instill feeling into the reader. You feel closer to the story and understand so much of what they go through.

Frustration

Mamet seems to be affected by frustrations in his memories. All of the violence, starting with his grandfather, came out of frustrations. Being frustrated seems to cause anger which then leads to violence in Mamet’s case.

Mamet saw the effect of frustration from two generations. It started with his grandfather who acted out against his mother when she was growing up. He also saw it from his stepfather and mother.

Frustration is such a hard thing to cope with, I think. It’s hard to accept when you can’t change things, or do things, or make other people do things. Unfortunately some people take frustrations too far and end up with violence. Mamet suffered most of his childhood dealing, with the violence caused by his parents’ frustrations. Once something like that has been instilled in you, it’s hard to get over it. Just as it was hard for Mamet’s mother to get past after she had grown up seeing it all her life.

In the end, all of the frustration has built up in Mamet and he even takes it out on his sister. It’s like a cycle that never ends. They are all affected by it.

The Play

When I read the part about the play, and how their mother wouldn’t let Mamet’s sister go, I was so mad. It was weird because it was just a story, but I really got angry.

I had an experience when I was in first grade similar to that, which is why, I think, I got so angry. I don’t really remember very many things from first grade but I remember the night of our class’ open house. I remember because my family had gone out to eat at Krystal’s before we had to be at my school. The open house was really important to me because everyone in my class had made shoe box dioramas and we were to present them at the open house. My shoe box was 3-D and had a Polly Pocket figurine inside. I was going to be the first person to present my diorama to all the parents at the open house.

Well my family was eating at Krystal’s and my parents got me a few of the little burgers. As I bit into the first one, I realized that there was mustard on it. I HATE mustard. I couldn’t eat it. But my mom told me we weren’t leaving until I ate them. I just cried the whole time because I couldn’t eat them and I knew I would miss my presentation.

By the time we got to my school, the open house was over. I was so mad at my mom. When our yearbook came out, there was a picture of my class and their parents on open house night and I wasn’t in it. It’s a permanent reminder of that night.

Mamet’s mother did the same thing to his sister. I was infuriated while reading about the play. I know how she felt.

R.I.P. Taylor Bradford

From the information I know about what happened this weekend, it seems like such a senseless act. Something that did not need to happen. I didn’t personally know Taylor Bradford, but I’m friends with a lot of his friends on the football team. I was at work when I first heard what happened but at that point they hadn’t pronounced him dead. All it said on the news was that the dorms were on lock down. That affected me because I live in the dorms. I wondered if I would be able to get home. But I did get home and I didn’t learn anything else about the situation until I woke up the next morning.

When I woke up I learned that all our classes had been cancelled. I thought hey no school! Awesome. But it’s hard to be excited about it when it was caused by such a tragic event. Then I talked to my roommate and found out some more information about what happened.

From what I understand, Taylor went with some of the guys from the football team to the casinos on Friday. Taylor won some ridiculous amount of money (I’ve heard $15,000 but I’ve also heard up to $30,000…anyways it was a lot of money). The shooter knew that Taylor had won the money and killed him in hopes of stealing it. How could someone be so desperate for money that they would kill a person over it? And it was someone who knew Taylor. Someone who knew what a genuinely good person he was. It seems so dumb. Here you are, you’ve just killed someone, and for what? The killer didn’t get the money. It was so senseless. I feel for his family. I can’t imagine having to get that phone call as a parent and having to drive all the way from Nashville only to arrive and never see your son alive again. It’s so sad.

I don’t feel any less safe on campus. It wasn’t a random attack. It was someone who knew Taylor. I think this kind of situation just makes you pause, even if only for a moment, and realize what you have. It’s almost surreal that something like this could happen so close to us, or anywhere for that matter. I believe though that everything happens for a reason, and even though it seems there could be no possible reason for this to happen, it helps us get through it.

But is there anything we can do about this? Whose fault, if any, was it? Is society to blame? Poverty? How can we get back to normal? There are so many questions but no answers. Taylor was a good guy. He wasn’t my friend, but I feel like I knew him. We all knew him, or someone like him. It could happen to anyone. This does affect us. Even if we don’t know what to do about it.

Chronic Boredom

So it's sunday and I have absolutely nothing to do. I've been sitting in my room just doing random things for about three hours now. My roommate has been furiously studying since about 9 am...I don't know for sure because I got up at 12:30. We both just stayed in last night and watched Romeo+Juliet (the good one with Leo DiCaprio) and ate chocolate and just acted like girls. It was quit refreshing from the usual frat party and such. This weekend my boyfriend came in town so that was kind of exciting. We didn't get to hang out a lot because he was here with his soccer team and they mostyl had to stay with the team. But it was nice to see him. I woke up yesterday morning at 6 after getting in at 4:30 to go to his house and help his mom set up a brunch for his soccer team. It was the most amazing brunch. There were about 75 people there and there was tons of food. So that was fun. And now I won't see him for about 2 weeks, until fall break.

So I don't really have anything at all to write about. I was just bored and realized I'm about 4 blogs behind and I figured I would write something. I've got a little bit of homework I could be doing but I'll get around to it later. Oh I forgot my clothes downstairs...I should go get those so somebody doesn't steal them.

Ok I'm back. I think my roommate is becoming delirious by now. She's been studying for like 6 hours or something. I'm glad I finished all my homework Thursday. So do you like my purple font? I decided to mix things up. I have like chronic boredness right now. I'm so ADD but I have like nothing to do until 7 o'clock when I go to work. So Angie (my roommate) made this birthday cake for her friend who's birthday was Friday. Well they didn't even try to hang out with her on Friday so she hasn't given them the cake yet. I think we should eat it but she says no. I mean it's two days after the fact and her friend hasn't even tried to come over or hang out with her at all...not even to get their presents. So I say they don't deserve it and we should just eat it. Am I right?

So tomorrow is October. I like October. So many good things happen in October. It finally starts to get cooler for one. Fall is my favorite season because it's not too cold but it's not hot anymore. And living in Memphis we only have about one day of fall becauswe it goes directly from sweltering hot to freezing cold. But October normally changes into fallish weather and I'm excited for that. Then we have fall break in October and that's pretty exciting. Except for the fact that it's really lame and we only get two days out of school because they placed it on the weekend. But that is about 4 and a half days with no school. Then the best part of October is Halloween for sure. I think halloween is my favorite holiday (besides my birthday) because I love to dress up in costumes. I don't know what it is about getting to be something that you're not, but I find it exhilerating. Meg said in class one day that she has never been trick-or-treating. I almost fell out of my chair when she said that. How can you be 18 years old and never have been trick-or-treating. That almost makes me want to cry for her. She said her parents wouldn't let her. Well now you're in college Meg so fuck your parents and go trick-or-treating! So needless to say I'm pretty excited about it being October. Plus it's another month closer to being my birthday...just two more to go.

I guess that's about it. I really have absolutely nothing to say. I might go do my Italian homework now. Or not. Who knows. See you Tuesday.

Self-Eval

The process I used to write my textual analysis paper was not complicated. I read the article first and made some small notes. Then I procrastinated for about a day. When I was finally ready to write my paper, I read the article again to refresh my memory. Then I thought about what the paper’s requirements were and wrote s thesis. From there I just wrote the paper. I thought about all the tools that the author used to write her essay and I found them in the story and wrote about them. It wasn’t too bad from there, just staying on the topic.
I did progress as a writer. It was much easier for me to not think about technical rules like “don’t use ‘I’ in your paper.” That helped me a lot. It made me focus on what the paper was supposed to be about. I think I did a good job writing about what we were assigned to focus on. I changed as a reader because now I know how important an author’s words can be. Now I’ll pay more attention to the little details. I don’t know that I changed so much as a person. Maybe just that it made me think of things differently.
Next time I write a paper I’ll first try not to procrastinate so long. Other than that I just want to focus on writing the paper to the appropriate length without repeating myself or going off subject.

You're black, I'm white. So what?

When I writing my paper about Audre Lorde's essay "The Fourth of July", I started talking to my roommate Angie. I really got into the story and started thinking about it. As you know if you've read my previous blogs, my boyfriend is black. I told Angie that I couldn't imagine not being able to go out to eat with my boyfriend because of the color of his skin. I probably wouldn't have been able to even date my boyfriend back then, much less go out in public with him.
My roommate Angie has dated black guys before too so we were both kind of on the same page. I think that if I had grown up back in the 40s and 50s when blacks were not accepted, I would've been a rebel. I would've had black friends and I would have dated black guys. I'd like to think I would have done that. Then I started to think that it really wasn't that long ago. My own mom grew up in segregated schools. It's just so hard for me to fathom. I can't imagine all the things that went on during the civil rights movement. We've never had anything like that happen close to us during our lifetime. The biggest thing we'll remember when we're older is September 11 and that wasn't even here at home.
I don't really have a point to this blog entry, it's just something that I couldn't stop thinking about. It's one of those things where you can learn everything about it but never know what it really felt like. I know things aren't perfect now, but I'm glad I grew up in a time where it was more acceptable to date people of a different race. I don't see skin color and I hope one day everyone can feel like that.

3:21 (The "Walking" Essay)

I don’t know what to write. This is weird. I’m sitting on a bench by that big clock next to Wilder Tower. The clock that is eternally stuck on 3:21. It’s kind of cold, but it’s that cold where you aren’t cold enough for a jacket but cold enough to make you uncomfortable. The bench is wet. I’ll probably have a wet spot on the back of my pants when I get up.
The only thing that’s really on my mind right now is my boyfriend coming in town tonight. I don’t know if I’ll get to see him until tomorrow though, but I’m still excited. We’ve been dating for a year and two months and it’s so weird to be apart for so long when the whole time we’ve been dating, we saw each other every day.
The train just interrupted my train of thought. LOL-train of thought.
Now there’s a girl sitting on the bench next to me. She’s talking really loudly on the phone and she’s rather obnoxious. I don’t think I’m really affecting the environment much…but she sure is. I’m just sitting here, being quiet, minding my own business. The most I could be doing is occupying this bench therefore keeping someone else from sitting down. But this girl on her phone…she’s affecting the environment. I’m trying to sit here and think and the only thing I can hear is “ugh she so damn nasty” and things of the sort.
She left. Now it’s just me again. Well, and that guy with the long hair (I forgot his name) is sitting on a bench across from me. Well damn it now he left. So now I’m really by myself again.
I kind of feel like I’m always by myself. I have friends, I have a boyfriend, I have a family; but I still feel by myself. My friends are al from different walks of life and I don’t fit in to any of them. My boyfriend doesn’t always appreciate me. I don’t like all of my family and I don’t feel close to them. So I don’t know. I’m alone in the world. I’m sitting here with tons of people walking around me, but I’m just here, not making any difference.
I’ve still got twenty minutes and I’ve already written more than a page. My friend Alysia just came over and is now sitting with me. Her response when I told her what I was doing was “that’s weird.” Oh and here’s Daniel and Jenn. I see Monique sitting over on a bench too.
I’ve gotten so off the subject now. I don’t know if I said anything related to the topic we were to write about. But now I’ve run out of time so I’m going to leave my bench and the clock that still says 3:21 and go back to class.

My Paper!

Audre Lorde uses text, tone, and symbolism to describe her first experience of injustice as a child in her essay “The Fourth of July.” Lorde develops the theme of her ignorance of injustice throughout the essay which turns to anger in the end. Lorde uses so many descriptive words in her writing to pull the theme together. You may not realize what she’s trying to get at but in the end you understand. Another thing that helps in reading this essay is knowing the background of the author and the time period of which the story takes place. Lorde doesn’t just come right out and tell you things so it’s helpful to know ahead of time. The article is about a childhood memory of Lorde’s where her family goes on vacation. You find out as you read that it is 1947 and Audre Lorde and her family are black. This plays a very important role in analyzing Lorde’s theme. Other than Lorde’s word choice, her tone factors into the theme as well. Reading the essay, you get the impression that Lorde’s family is very happy and content because of the tone Lorde uses. But as she learns more about the truths of the world, you can see her tone change throughout the story.
As I was reading this essay, a few things stood out to me. First, Lorde’s choice of words. In the beginning of the essay her family was taking a train to Washington, D.C. She describes in detail all the food that her mother has packed for them to eat. At this point in the story we don’t know what year it is or that her family is black. So when she described the food with such vivid colors: “brown bread”, “green pepper”, “violently yellow iced cakes” (Lorde 1), we don’t think anything of it. We then learn the truth of her heritage and the year and now we know what kind of things are happening to them in that time. Towards the end of her essay, Lorde recalls her family going into an ice cream shop and being refused service because they were black. You can tell that she hasn’t really been exposed to injustice that much because of the way she reacts. After this you can tell something has changed by Lorde’s word choice. Whereas in the beginning she used lots of colors to describe things, now she refers to everything as “white”. Everything she describes in the last paragraph of the essay is white. These words play an important part in interpreting the theme. When Lorde uses colors in her descriptions she is still naïve about the injustices that exist in the world. She is happy and expresses that through cheerful, colorful words. However, once she experiences injustice firsthand for the first time, she really gets an understanding of how the world works and is no longer naïve. It is then that she refers to everything as white. She is no longer happy or cheerful. It makes it seem like white is evil; it’s a bad color associated with the bad memory.
Another tool that Lorde uses to make us understand her theme is her tone. The tone throughout this essay changes and that’s how we know what the theme is. The tone that Lorde uses is very similar to the way she uses the colors in her word choice. In the beginning of the essay her tone starts out innocent and somewhat care-free. She is happy and young and ignorant to the world around her. The reason Lorde is so care-free and naïve is because her parents have sheltered her and her sisters all their lives. They don’t want them to know that people treat them differently because they are black. When they are on the way to Washington, D.C., they do not stop at the Liberty Bell. I think it’s because her parents don’t view the monument as a sign of liberty and freedom. After all, people didn’t treat them equally and that is what that monument was supposed to stand for. But Lorde didn’t know that. Her parents hid it from them. Another example is when Audre wants to eat in the dining car but her mother’s reply is that “the dining car food always cost too much money and besides, you never could tell whose hands had been playing all over the food, nor where those same hands had been just before” (Lorde 2). But what her mother really wasn’t saying was that blacks were not allowed on dining cars in 1947. Lorde and her sisters didn’t know that though, so they were still content and happy in their world. The tone of the essay changes, however, at the end of the essay. The incident at the ice cream shop opened Lorde’s eyes to a cruel world she had never seen before because of her parents. After leaving the ice cream shop, Lorde is filled with rage and doesn’t understand why her parents aren’t doing anything. Little did she know this was something her parents had been hiding from them their whole lives. Up until this moment the tone of the essay is so light and happy. After this incident though, the tone changes to one of anger. Lorde’s eyes had finally been opened to the unfair world around her. This sets the tone for the rest of the essay.
Not only do tone and word choice play a part in understanding the theme, but symbolism is also an important tool used. There are a lot of instances in the essay where Lorde uses symbolism to help us understand the situation, instead of just coming right out and saying so. When Lorde says “my parents did not approve of sunglasses” (Lorde 3); it opens up for something deeper than just the simple statement it seems like. By not allowing sunglasses, the girls had to squint because of the bright sun to see things. Her parents were keeping them from seeing things as fully as they would have been seen.
Looking at the monuments in such light and heat, Lorde said “I spent the afternoon squinting up at monuments to freedom and past presidencies and democracy, wondering
why the light and heat were both so much stronger in Washington, D.C., than back home in New York City” (Lorde3). This is such a strong example of symbolism. It’s like Lorde knows or senses that the injustice was more prevalent in the South. That’s why she had never witnessed it back home in New York City. It also symbolized that everything there was lighter or “whiter” than at home. At the end of the essay, Lorde says how she remembered everything about Washington, D.C. as being white. That is how he would always remember Washington, D.C. and that vacation. Symbols are such a clever way to express what she meant without just saying it.
I really enjoyed Lorde’s essay. The way she used word choice, tone, and symbolism made the story come alive to the reader. I really like the way that Lorde really never says anything straight up; you kind of have to read between the lines to get the symbolism. For those of us who didn’t grow up in that time period, or have never dealt with racial injustice, it might be hard for us to understand what Lorde went through. But through her words, her text, we feel what she felt. We understand the anger she felt when she discovered things weren’t as they seemed. I also like the abrupt change in the tone of the essay. All of a sudden the story had a whole new meaning. I really enjoyed analyzing this text because it was written so well with really interesting choice of words and other tools that Lorde used.

Little Things

article 1: http://www.slate.com/id/2173911/fr/flyout
article 2: http://online.wsj.com/article/SB119012955962931134.html?mod=health_home_stories

These two articles both deal with health issues. The second article is about a recall done on Dole salad mix. There have been so many recalls on food lately. Last year with the big spinach scare, the whole Taco Bell thing, now salad mix has been found with E. coli. It's hard to know when food is safe to eat. It's really a scary thing if you think about it. You go to the grocery store and buy produce which you would think would be healthy and turns out it has E. coli and you die from it or get extremely sick. How scary is that?

Article 1 isn't about a recall or food tainted with bacteria. It's actually talking about a study that scientists have done to prove that foods and drinks with additives are causing children to have symptoms similar to those of ADHD. The study tested 300 children and gave them two drinks: one with additives and one without. The study showed that when the children drank the juice with additives, they had more hyperactivity. I'm thinking duh! the juice with the additives has sugar whereas the other one does not. Hello! obviously if a kid has a lot of sugar they are going to be more hyper than if they didn't. I don't think that is rocket science.

The two articles really don't have much in common. But then again when you look at it, it shows how important little things can be. Little decisions affect your daily life. A small bag of salad mix, a little bottle of juice...They all have major affects on your life. It's important to think about what you are consuming and what you are putting into your body.

Sex Day!

article 1: http://www.slate.com/id/2173643/fr/flyout
article 2: http://www.slate.com/id/2173458/fr/flyout

So how I came about these two articles I don't know but they seem to go hand in hand.

Let's start with article two this time. Article two is entitled Global Swarming: Is it time for American's to start cutting our baby emissions? It's refering to the issue of global warming. The article's solution to global warming is to just have less kids. It suggests that they make a limit of one child per couple. The article mentions how this isn't a very prasctical solution. Look at China: they once had a law to limit the amount of children a family had to control their population. Did it work? Maybe...but it's more than just a global warming issue. It's a moral issue.

Moving on to article two. The title is Fuck Off: Skip work and make love for your country. I found myself laughing throughout this article. It seems ridiculous. The basis for this article is Russia's decling population. They have instituted a day for employers to give their employees a day off from work to have sex. President Putin has expressed their desperate need to have more people because there has been a steady decline in the country's population because of diseases such as TB and AIDS, alcoholism/smoking/drug abuse, and many other things. The government has institued a day for workers to have sex and anyone who delivers a baby exactly nine months after the day receives prizes that include money. Their government is paying them to have sex! That seems nice right? Well not so much. This puts many women and babies at risk because they are trying to induce labor purposefully to receive the prizes.

My solution? I say since there are too many babies in America why don't we just send them to Russia? That would solve everyone's problem right?

$Gossip Girl$

article 1:http://www.slate.com/id/2174295/fr/flyout (this one's for Daniel)
article 2: http://www.slate.com/id/2174294/fr/flyout

These two articles touch on something very near and dear to my heart. Yes that's right, television. Sad to say but I am surely addicted. Television is such a huge part of our society and I'm not saying that's a good thing, but it's definitely an enjoyable thing. It can be bad though. It sucks you in. I would much rather watch tv than read a book (I'm sorry Wendy). So on to these articles.

Article 1 is about the new show on the CW called Gossip Girl. Let me just go ahead and tell you that it's amazing. As Daniel and I were sitting in my room last night watching the season premiere of America's Next Top Model, a preview for Gossip Girl, which was to appear next, came on. Daniel looked at me and said "that looks so dumb". I thought I eould give it a chance though. So we watched it. I'm sure Daniel's opinion has changed now because we loved it. The article however seems very two-sided to me. In a way it seems to be trashing the show but then again it seems to say "hey what's wrong with watching trashy tv?" The article also comments on how the tv show has cut out so many things that were in the original book series, which is what the show is based on. Now I haven't read the books but if what the article says is true, maybe I should give books a chance for once and read them. I don't know why the tv show has cut these things out..well I won't say I don't know why because I'm sure they are just trying to censor it, but I don't think they should. I think in our society today there are so many things we see on tv that are all a part of life. I don't think anything should be censored on tv. If you're worried about kids seeing it, put a block on your tv. I want to see the juiciness!!

As for article 2, it talks about how expensive it is getting to make tv shows in this day and time. I can only imagine how much money they spend. But when it affects my favorite show, I'm going to need them to come up with a solution to their spending problem. I'm tired of having my favorite shows canceled because of a lack of money. I hate it when I get lured into a show only to be have it cancelled next season. Other than getting cancelled shows can have major changes done to them if there is a money shortage. The article gives an example the new ABC show Pushing Daisies. They have already talked about replacing the director because he is a little spending-happy. But changing a director changes the whole show.

The two articles go hand in hand because to have a a great show like Gossip Girl, you have to have money. Everything is going up in cost. I can't imagine how much advertisements for these shows must cost. But I'm going to need them to work it out because I'll be sad if they cancel another one of my shows.